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8:21 p.m. - 2007-02-03
Thinking is overrated
I don't sleep much at night anymore.
I keep finding reasons not to close my eyes.
The dark leaves so many wide open spaces for the mind to wander, hard to hide from the thoughts of defeat, and despair. Hard to hide from the denial of the daylight.
If I had any idea that this is where I would be at this stage in my life I would have taken another handfull of pills and downed it with vodka with my last suicide attempt.

Thinking is over-rated.
I'm standing on the edge of the cliff looking down.
Should'nt be this close to the edge, what if I fall?

It was difficult to bring myself here, this close to the edge, with all of the thoughts of falling , the what ifs. What if I trip and accidently go over? What if the ground that close to the edge starts to crumble to quickly for me to scramble back to safety? What if the wind, which blows so strong here on the edge just carries me over?
Its funny. When you are young you think nothing of the danger, the concequences of running head long into whatever happens to be. When you are young you think of nothing but the gold at the end of the rainbow.
Now all I can think of are concequences. How my actions have had equal and catastrophic reactions.
I can't turn off the voices in my head. I am so tired but as I lay here trying to sleep my mind is racing. And I am filled with dread. I dread waking up if I ever do fall asleep, I dread having to go to work and pretend that everything is okay, that I don't want to run screaming, tearing the hair out of my head.
I think I'm losing it again and I don't know what to do or who to turn to.
Not many places left to turn, too many bridges burned, to many roads traveled hard. If I could go back in time and change things, would I then make all of the right decisions or the same ones that led me here?

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