2:07 a.m. - 2007-01-23
Let me let go
I guess when I thought that I was over him I was lying. to myself. no matter how shitty I am to him every time I see him, no matter how many times I say there is no longer a "we" I guess I just didn't really believe it. Maybe because every time before I knew that it wasn't really over, not when he still had his things here, when he was still calling me everyday.
Today he took most of his stuff, I kept telling him that I wanted him to take his stuff with him but I have been procrastinating on packing it and having it ready and as long as I was doing that I was contradicting everything I was saying. and I was sending him the wrong message and lying to myself as well. Today when he actually took stuff it became much more real.
He chose to do this, he chose this life, when he didn't chose me. No matter how many excuses he makes that is the only thing left that is true, he didn't chose me.
It seems that so many things in my life are ending right now. I haven't talked to my friend "Rae" since before Christmas, and I am really not sure how I feel about it, on one hand I miss her and all of the fun that we've had and on the other I have to wonder if I ever really knew her at all. Have I been so selfishly rapped up in myself that I never looked at the people around me? Or has it been the people around me not noticing how badly I am falling apart?
I don't show myself to very many people and it seems like the ones I have just disappoint me. Or using it against me.
I spend to much time feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I don't do enough for everyone who wants something from me, I feel guilty that I cant give my kids a better life than what they have even if what they have is pretty good. I feel guilty about the "no-condom" guy and wonder what people really think of me, then I wonder why I care. What fucking difference does it make what people think? Most don't know me, a lot of people in the small little town I live in believe that I am a horrible person because I was in a relationship with a married man for 6 years. All of the same people who thought it was "great" that he finally found someone to love him and help him, not just be a selfish soul sucking fucking sponge. I am so tired of being the bad guy here, like I had this relationship ALL BY MYSELF. Trust me, he was fully involved. And we weren't real quiet about the whole thing, she knew, knows, whatever... she didn't give a rats ass as long as no one made her look "bad" and he kept handing her the cash. I used to joke that if he got a life size photo and put some money in it's hand, she and the kids ( both OVER 20yrs old) would never even miss him. Sad but true. And still I feel guilty I had a hand in it too, and I should have walked away the first time he let me down and didn't come through on his promises. Should have never let it happen in the first place. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Didn't. Sue me. I just wish it wasn't so hard to let him go, hell, I wish he would let me let go. I wonder how long it will be before I don't feel guilty about doing something that he wouldnt approve of? How long before being held in his arms is not the only thing that feels right? How long before the thought of him not in my life stops being so damn terrifying? When do I figure out that I can live without him?
damn.... my heart hurts.
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